


Once Upon A December

by BlueDameron79



Category: Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)
Genre: December Fanfic Challenge, F/M, Guitars, Love, Music, Musicians, Mystery, Romance, Snow, Strong Female Characters, Winter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 04:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16847062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueDameron79/pseuds/BlueDameron79
Summary: !!Mature Content!!Involves:[Strong Language][Depressive Themes][Death Themes][Suicide Themes]





	1. Saturday, 1st December, 1962

Today I woke up at 7am again. It keeps happening, just like clockwork. It's tiring when you can't even sleep until like 3 or 4 am. It's nightmares. Every single fucking night. I'm just tired. In every way. Tired cause I can't sleep, tired cause every day is the same. Do things ever fucking change? Probably not. Anyway, I took a bath about 9am and woke up Granny. I made her breakfast but I didn't have any. We're not doing so great right now. Busking isn't enough now. Selfish bastards just want to keep their money for Christmas. I'm scared I wont have enough extra money to buy Granny something. Keeping the heating bill payed is more important. I fucking hate the winter, I'm constantly afraid this will be the year it takes Granny from me. I suppose all I can do is make sure she's warm and fed, even if it means I'm not. I can take it. She can't.

After I made sure she was alright I walked her down the hall to Mrs. Green's flat.

"Your beard gets longer every time I see you!" She said, nodding at me. I saw her yesterday so...I'm not sure what that's meant to mean. I made sure they were okay then I left with my guitar. So then I had to spend the majority of my day out in the freezing cold again. At this rate I'll probably catch hypothermia. It's ridiculously hard to play with freezing cold fingers. It's even more ridiculous when clearly no one gives a shit. I made about $15 I think, over the whole day. Shitty but better than nothing.

When I got home again I left my guitar in my room and cuddled with Ulysess for a little bit. He comes to visit sometimes, I'm not sure how he knows where to come but I don't complain. I'm scared for him too. I hope the snow wont freeze him to death or something. I don't know what I'd do without him. It's upsetting to think about. He's like an old friend. He kinda gets me.

Anyway, later on I went to get Granny back. I knocked on Mrs. Green's door and waited until she came to answer the door which took almost a full minute. I always forget how slow old people are.

"Oh, hello Llewyn! Come in, come in!"

"Oh, no, I'm just here to pick up Granny-" I told her but she put a hand on my back and ushered me inside so I didn't really have much choice. Her house smelled fucking wonderful. She home cooks all the time and I begged my stomach not to growl. I felt like how I imagine a dog would feel if you put him into a butchers shop. I tried not to breathe it in too hard.

"Llewyn, are you eating? You're getting so thin" She frowned.

"Well...when I can..." I shrugged "Granny comes first..." I said, practically hallucinating about what the food would taste like. If I could only run into her kitchen and put it all into my mouth, trust me I fucking would. But unfortunately I do have _some_ self control.

"You really are a kind man" She smiled. I wish more people thought so. I wish it was entirely true too. "Don't worry, today I cooked enough for you and Nora too. It'll be ready in just a moment" (Nora is my Granny's real name by the way)

I literally couldn't believe my ears. "For real?" I had to ask, in case I was imagining things, which at this point was a good possibility. Probably like a 7 out of 10. But nope it was real alright. My day improved greatly at this point. Mrs. Green is super rich. I got to eat a whole lot of mashed potato. I fucking love that stuff. Best Saturday I've had in weeks. I ate until I felt slightly sick, this time a pretty welcomed feeling. It feels nicer than being so hungry you feel like throwing up, except there is nothing to throw up. I would be fucking devastated if I threw up at this point. But I didn't, all that good ass food stayed in my belly. We sat for while and Mrs. Green and Granny mostly talked, I said the odd word but I was still too busy enjoying my full stomach. Obsessive I know, but I don't know how much food I'll even have next time I get to eat. Music and food is the majority of what I think about. After a bit Mrs. Green brought out a fucking cake. I just forget that not everyone has no money and can afford shit like this. I felt like a two year old. I remember when I was really young, I think it was my 5th birthday, my mom and dad saved up to buy ingredients to make cake for me. But anyway, I don't wanna get into the small-Llewyn-life-story. Right now as I write this I'm still thinking about that cake. Of course I had a piece and she also gave us some to take back home with us later which felt like I'd been blessed for once.

When we were done I took the cake and went back to our flat to get my guitar. If I hadn't been so stuffed I probably would have eaten more. But I'll pretend I didn't say that. I took my guitar back to Mrs. Green's house and I took them both down to the community area in the residence.

Where Granny and I live is basically one big building with a lot of one bedroom flats inside. They're specifically rented out to old people. I know I'm not that old but I'm allowed to stay cause I care for Granny. We have a big closet and it's almost the size of a really tiny room and since Granny doesn't have much possessions to store, I sleep in there. I have a mattress and a few blankets so its not too bad.

Anyway, every Saturday at 7pm I play for any of the residents who want to come and listen. I don't get anything from it. I offered once just to be nice when I was new to staying here and every Saturday they kept asking so it's just become something I do. I didn't mind too much at first but now its mostly kind of tedious. They don't have very much enthusiasm. Mrs. Green always claps loudly which is slightly embarrassing but better than silence. A lot of the residents here need care so they aren't very...competent. I know it sounds mean but I guess it's the truth. It felt like I was there for three hours but it was only one. When I got back home I made granny some tea and put her to bed.

I sat doing nothing for a long time. I like to look out of the window at night and just...try not to think about shit too much. I feel like I'm constantly either stressed, anxious or depressed. I know what you're thinking, 'wow, Llewyn sounds like the grumpiest man alive' but hey, it cant be sunshine and rainbows for everyone all the time, and apparently it's not on the forecast much of the time for me. I try not to complain to Granny or anything and I don't think Ulysess likes it when I complain to him either. So writing it here is the best outlet really. Anyway, it's currently almost 4am and I kinda feel a bit like I don't exist so I think it's probably time to put down the pen and get some sleep. I just don't want to have another fucking nightmare and I know I will. At the same time though if I don't sleep it'll be the death of me. So off I go. I'll update tomorrow.  
~☆~  
Llewyn


	2. Sunday, 2nd December, 1962

So I've literally just woken up. It's about 8am I think. I just had the best dream ever. I thought I was gonna have another nightmare but no. This was nothing like my nightmares. I wanna write it here so I don't forget.

There I was, sitting alone in this weird white mist, there was nothing else around me but the bench I was sitting on and I had my guitar with me. I was crying but I don't know why I just felt so, so sad. Then suddenly I felt someone come close to me so I looked up and there she was. This girl with skin as white as snow and bright red hair. It was so bright against all that white it was hard to look at first. I've never seen someone with red hair before except on a playboy magazine (it wasn't mine by the way, don't look at me that way). She put a hand on my shoulder and the other on my cheek and made me look up at her. She looked worried and she asked me

"Why are you crying, Llewyn?" and she wiped my tears with her thumbs. She was so warm and she made my heart feel so light. All my sadness went away immediately.

"I just...everything is so hard..." I told her "Why can't I just catch a break. It isn't fair"

"I know" She smiled sadly and sat beside me "But It'll be alright eventually. Come on, let's not think too much about it. I can't stay here forever and I'd really like to hear you play...just for me..." she said softly, looking shy.

"Okay...uhm..." I tried to think of something quickly.

"Will you play The Shoals of Herring for me..? It's my favourite..."

I looked over at her "How do you know it?"

"Oh...I've heard you play before but only from afar...I'd like to hear you close...that's why I brought you here..." She smiled. I was confused but didn't really question it for some reason.

"Okay, if that's what you want" I smiled and messed about with my strings for a moment before playing the opening chords.

 

_"Oh it was a fine and a pleasant day out of Yarmouth harbor I was fairing as a cabin boy on a sailing lugger, for to hunt the bonny shoals of herring. Now you're up on deck, you're a fisherman, you can swear and show a manly bearing. Take your turn and watch with the other fellas, as you hunt the bonny shoals of herring"_

 

I felt the girl move closer to me and rest her head on my shoulder. I was so surprised at first I almost stopped playing but I managed to keep myself focused. However, it did feel pretty nice. I hadn't been...well, loved like this for a very long time. I relaxed into it and smiled as I played.

 

_"Well I earned my keep and I paid my way and I earned the gear that I was wearing. I sailed a million miles, caught ten million fishes. We were dreaming of the shoals of herring. Night and day the seas were daring, come wind or come oh winter gale. Sweating or cold, growing up, growing old or dying; as we dreamed about the shoals of herring."_

 

When I finished, I looked over to her. She smiled and opened her eyes.

"Oh, Llewyn! That was gorgeous!" she cried. "You sound even more wonderful up close. I wouldn't have thought it was possible but I guess I was wrong" she giggled, wrapping her arms around my arm and lying her head on my shoulder again. "You're the best musician I know..." She whispered, nuzzling into me now. I was shocked.

"Me? No way, there's people way better than me" I said.

"Maybe to you, but to me I wouldn't rather listen to anyone else..." she sighed happily.

"Th-Thank you..." I stammered. I sat there for a moment. It was here I began to wonder if this was real or not. I didn't really want to know. After hesitating slightly, I gently put my head against hers. She didn't move away, she just seemed to relax into me even more. I felt as if there was nothing that could make me upset anymore or nothing that could hurt me. It felt safe. After awhile, she moved away from me. I wanted her to stay but before I could speak she stood in front of me and took my hands.

"Thank you Llewyn...this was all I ever wanted" She smiled. 

"W-Wait I don't understand...can't I see you again?" I frowned, standing up too. The girl looked sad.

"I'm not really sure...I don't know if I'm even allowed to be here right now..."

"What do you mean..?" I asked, confused as fuck.

"I can't tell you..." She said, looking down before looking back up and smiling once more "Please smile for me, Llewy" 

I was taken aback for a moment. No one calls me that except Granny. I was so shocked I forgot how to respond. She slowly let go of me and began to walk away.

"Wait!" I cried. she turned, almost engulfed by the white mist. "Please, what's your name?"

She laughed and I felt my stomach tingle like it had butterflies in it. I saw her mouth move but all I heard was an echoey whisper. I couldn't make it out but I didn't get the chance to ask again because I basically blinked and she was gone. I ran in the direction she had left and suddenly the mist cleared and my body was met with a blank white wall which I crashed into.

It was here I woke up. I sat bolt upright and honestly I was covered in sweat. What the fuck. I'm not wasting water by bathing two days in a row, seriously. Anyways, so that was that. I need to get myself together, Jesus Christ. It's almost time to get Granny up. I'll finish this tonight.

~☆~  
Llewyn

Okay, so I know I said I would do this later but it's currently like 2:30ish I think and I'm sitting in the library. It started snowing around 12 something and I just decided to move to someplace I could shelter and play too so I played by a supermarket till they shoved me away. Assholes, what do they think? That I'm gonna stop people buying their shopping? I mean if someone wants to give me their $100 shopping money that's fucking excellent but they're not going to, are they? I kept moving around different stores for a bit after I got kicked out of each one. I think I've made about $20 which is surprising since I kept messing up. My hands are so cold I can barely move them when I'm playing. It doesn't help that I can't get that girl out of my head. Like for fucks sake, she's not even real. I don't know whats up with me. Real or not, she made me feel more loved than anyone since mom died. Which was a long time ago. I mean don't get me wrong, Granny loves me, but It's different. She doesn't know me like mom did. Granny isn't actually my real Grandmother. She was my mom's best friend and I was just brought up to call her Granny and to treat her like my own. I never knew my real Granny. Anyways, what's the point in going on about it, that girl isn't fucking real. I'm actually hoping if I say it enough times I'll start to get the message. And just to make shit worse, when I got here I discovered one of my fucking strings broke. It must have been the temperature changes. So I'm gonna see if I've got my spares with me.

I checked and of fucking course, the only one I don't have any more of is the one I need. Great. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm so done with this shit. I'm gonna have to use some of this $20 to buy a replacement. Fuck this. Fuck everything.

~☆~  
Llewyn

It's now almost 7 and holy shit I have to write this down. After I finished writing earlier, I went to Johnny's to get a new string and when I came back out, I decided to head back to the center of town to try and replace the $7 I used at the very least. But when I was coming round the corner from where Johnny's is, you'll never guess what I saw. A wisp of bright red hair. I fucking swear I saw it, like as if someone walked round the corner and the wind blew out their hair behind them. So of course I fucking ran to try and see who it was but when I got around the corner, nothing but a wall. probably about almost 10 feet of brick. There was no where anyone could have gone. But that's not even half of it. Sitting in the snow staring right at me is none other than fucking Ulysess. I thought at first;

"Llewyn, you've fucking lost it"

But nope, I scooped him up and checked his tag and fuck, it's him for sure. What the fuck he's doing in the center of town is beyond me but I just decided to take him with me. I tied one of my shoelaces onto his collar and tied the other end onto my ankle and sat him in my guitar case so he wasn't cold. It seems that was a good idea since not including the $13 I had left, I made $42 which is insane. So yeah I feel significantly better. But I can't get past how weird this is. I'm so fucking sure I saw red hair. Maybe I am losing it. Who knows...anyway, I have to go make some food for me and Granny and call the Gorfeins. Their cat sure is a pain in the ass, but a welcome one. Anyways, see you later.  
~☆~

Llewyn


	3. Monday, 3rd December, 1962

Today was crazy. Last night I called the Gorfein's and told them how I found their cat in the middle of town. They had no idea how he even got there and honestly, neither did I. They told me to keep him for the night so that was nice. I had a small warm fuzzball to cuddle. I was thankful for the extra heat under my blankets. Yeah and today I made a fucking dumb mistake. I headed into town early and I hit the rush hour. I don't even know why I was so desperate to go out anyways. I didn't feel great today. Truthfully, I miss that girl. I know it's stupid cause yeah, she's not real, but it felt real...it reminded me of how much I actually miss being held. I feel cold and small, like I'm closing in on myself again. I guess I just miss having people. I don't really get to see Jim and Jean anymore. Maybe that's a good thing though. I also still miss Mike.

By the time I'd gotten into town I didn't really care about anything. I didn't want to busk. I just felt too sad...I know, I always feel like such a fucking loser for it but today was just...I just wanted to lie in the snow and slowly fade away. 

I decided instead to take a trip to Rockaway Beach. There wouldn't be many people since it was a Monday morning and on top of that it was still snowing.

Ulysess was secured in my satchel. I had found a spare string in Granny's drawer and tied it to his collar then tied him on inside the bag so he wouldn't escape. We've had too many of those little accidents in the past. I also tucked one of my blankets in beside him. I was worried he'd get cold.

When we got there, it was practically deserted. The sand looked strange covered in snow. It was fucking freezing though so I really had to wrap my scarf around my face and pull my jacket close around me. I felt lucky that I actually had a house to stay in now, unlike this time last year.

I closed my eyes and listened to the waves while gently petting Ulysess. I thought back to when I was just a kid and my dad would show me how to fish. I missed that kinda stuff. Yeah it's been a long ass time since it actually happened but I can't move on from it. Things were so easy and simple. And mom was there. It seems I'm just missing everyone today. It made my chest ache and my heart long for some kind of comfort. But there was none to be given. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to see Granny.

"C'mon, Ulysess...lets get you home..." I said softly to him, taking one last look at the swirling greeny-blue waters before turning and heading back towards town.

It was still busy when we reached the center of town. I had to bring Ulysess back to the Gorfien's obviously then I planned to leave. While I was trying to get my bearings and work out which way to go, somehow Ulysess managed to escape my bag. Of course he did. As if shit couldn't get worse. I spent a few moments frantically searching for him. How could he have disappeared like that so suddenly? But as I searched, I swear I saw a wisp of red hair again, just disappearing into the crowd. I obviously tried to catch it again but when I got to where I'd seen it again, there was no red haired girl in sight. It was here I really felt like I was gonna have some type of breakdown. Ulysess was gone and I was fucking seeing shit again. I really thought I was just gonna lose it right there. But then I noticed a small part in the crowd. People separating to walk past something. It was him. Ulysess. Just sitting there, staring right at me, patiently flicking his tail as if this was some type of game. It felt so surreal. I slowly came back to reality and went over to him, picking him up.

"You're a bad kitty, you know that?" I scolded him under my breath "Do you not want to go home or something? Why wouldn't you? Your house is lovely you kno-" I stopped mid-sentence, noticing a small book right in front of me, where Ulysess had been sitting. I put the cat back in my bag and double secured him this time before picking up the book and standing up again.

"The Observer's Book of Astronomy...by Patrick Moore..." I read the title and author out to myself quietly. I flicked through the first few pages. "Published in 1962? Jesus, it's brand new then..." I mumbled. It somehow looked old and faded. Probably since it had been left here. Or had it? I didn't see anyone drop it and I didn't see it by Ulysess before. I just shrugged and put it in beside Ulysess. 

I finally got to the Gorfien's house and returned their asshole cat. They tried to make me stay as usual but I used Granny as an excuse to get out of it. Usually I wouldn't pass down a free meal but I knew I'd feel guilty eating without Granny. I also just wanted to go home.

On the train back, I went into my bag for another look at the mysterious book. I didn't really look through it I just felt like I wanted to hold it. I was starting to miss Ulysess now too. He was so warm and cosy and it would have given me someone to talk to tonight again.

When I finally got home I had to explain to Granny why I was back so early.

"Llewy? Is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me, Granny"

"Why are you back so early? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah...everything's fine I just...don't feel great today...so I just returned Ulysess and then...decided to come home..." I said, coming into the living room where Granny was sat on the sofa by the window as usual. "I'm sorry..." I frowned, suddenly feeling overwhelmingly sad and tearful.

"For what, sweetie?" Granny asked, patting the sofa beside her, beckoning me to sit there.

"That I didn't make money today..." I said as I went and sat down.

"Don't be silly, Dear, you did so well yesterday..." she nodded and put her arm around me. I leaned my head against her and there was a silence between us for a moment. Without meaning to or even really feeling it coming, I suddenly started to cry.

"Llewy, what's wrong?" Granny sounded worried and slightly surprised.

"I-I miss mom" I managed to tell her through my strangled sobs. I hate crying in front of people and even though it was too late, for some reason I was still trying my hardest to suppress it. It had been almost 3 years since mom died and while i missed her almost every day still, the hurt had kinda numbed over time. But recently it just felt so fresh, like there was a pocket of grief I'd forgotten about and it had suddenly just floated to the surface and burst. I kinda still felt like that about Mike. But that's different. See, I knew mom was leaving me. She got ill and we were told she wouldn't make it. But I got to say goodbye. The last time I saw Mike, we'd just finished a recording together. It had been a good session with good takes. We walked together in the evenings twilight and we had laughed together. Before we went our separate ways, he had turned to me and smiled, saying;

"That was a great session, Llewyn! You're the greatest partner I've ever had" He laughed, shaking his head as I protested. "I'll see you tomorrow, Bud. Sleep well"

And like that he turned and vanished off into the thin misty darkness. And I never saw him again. It was hard to understand when he looked so full of life, compared to my mom's frail body and grey skin. She was very visibly dying. Mike was dying on the inside. It still hurts every time I think about this. I'm crying now as I have to write this but I think its a good thing to get it out. Ah, fuck, I think I smudged my ink.

"I know, sweetie, I miss her too. But she's much happier up there now. I bet she misses you every day too..." Granny said softly, trying to comfort me. She held me until finally my tears subsided and I felt a little better having let it out.

After I calmed down I made us some food and then we kinda just went to bed early. I looked through that astronomy book. There's some gorgeous photos in it and it's really interesting...I think I'll read it all. Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel better and I can try to make some money. I'm gonna read more of this then I'll try to sleep and hopefully get at least 8 hours. It's almost 10pm now I think. I'll write more tomorrow.  
~☆~  
Llewyn


	4. Chapter 4

_**This book belongs to:**_  
Llewyn Davis

 _ **If lost, return to:**_  
If you find this, keep it safe for me. I want someone to remember


End file.
